To see the future is keeping the past at bay

Wow!

What a sentence. It means a lot to me because so much of my present seems to be caught up in my past, everything that I think and do, and feel is measured against my past. Everything that I wish for and aim for is measured against what has gone before. I think about my beginning, the good and the bad, the stuff I wish I could forget, the stuff that was painful and unmentionable, the secrets and lies that went on around me and inside me that I tried to keep pushed down but had to come up. I think about the present and future and I don’t want the past to soil it or spoil it or prevent it from being the best it could be.

I have learned so much from my past, but worry about repeating it, perhaps making the same mistakes, or maybe having the same successes? I want new successes in the future, new adventures new peace, new joy, and contentment. I have so much more now, so many more resources, and resilience and so much more strength and belief in me and my abilities, and my deep inner beauty that shines through me as love to others and a sweet loving smile. The hard, ugly parts from my past do threaten to rear their ugly heads in the present, but I have more strength now to challenge and fight and compete and win and rise above it all.

I am a strong black woman; I know myself more and trust myself more. I am who I am, and I know that I AM ENOUGH. I am proud to be who I am, maybe not perfect-looking, but loving me just the way I am and knowing that I am loved and lovable, which took the past to achieve and to reach this point in the present.

Letter to my future self

Dear Patsy

Well, it has been a difficult couple of years but as always you are a survivor. You should know how important and precious life is, and that concentrating on the worthwhile stuff and forgetting and letting go of the trivial stuff is the real key to being content. Being right isn’t important, being the best isn’t important and being popular with everyone isn’t important either. Life is to be savoured, not rushed.

I have been so afraid these past 2 years, afraid because I faced death head on. At that moment, realising that life could have come swiftly to an end was petrifying, yet annoying. Knowing that I hadn’t said everything I wanted to say to those people who I really value in my life, and that I hadn’t done the important things, like appreciating what I have rather than what I don’t. There are things, like sex and money that seem important, but there is so much more that is even more precious. Simpler things, like love, companionship, care, loyalty, fun and laughter, faith and being able to smell and taste and enjoy fresh air.

Being free and alive are the most important things in life, and something that we have all taken for granted, not just in these past few years of COVID, or past few decades, but in the past centuries of slavery and oppression.

My advice for you my dearest Patsy is to be kind – to yourself and to those around you. Let go of past hurts and offences, and look for the good in people, not the bad. Love strongly, deeply, but preserve your own well-being.

I know you are having a hectic time at the moment. There is so much going on in your life, so many things to think about and decisions to make. Remember that you can take time out for some relaxation and fun. I’m so glad that you are singing, and reading, but sometimes you can just do NOTHING. You can just sit and BE. You don’t need to be moving and doing all the time. It is okay to ask for help, and to be gentle with yourself and look after number one. It’s okay not to make everyone else feel okay, and you don’t have to try and make everyone like you… they do naturally anyway, because you are a lovely, lovable and loving person without any effort. And the most important thing is that God loves you, just the way you are with a lovingkindness that is bigger and better than anything you could ever imagine. Remember to breathe in that love and compassion every day, and expel all the rush, hurrying, anxiety, worry and guilt/anger.