More than just a feeling

I was interviewed about my mental health issues on The Chrissy B Show last week, after being treated to a wonderful make-over. I had such a fantastic time, and the host of the show was lovely, so warm and friendly plus obviously being a very talented interviewer. The Chrissy B Show is dedicated to mental health well-being.

Due to broadcasting rules the Producer asked me not to actually say I had depression (because I did not have any written proof of my diagnosis), but rather make reference to how I felt, and ‘feeling’ depressed. I must admit this did throw me a little. There is such a misconception that depression is simply a ‘feeling’, when in fact it is so much more.

Clinical depression is an illness that can affect you emotionally, mentally, socially and physically. Many people feel sad or depressed for relatively short periods of time, or as a reaction to a major life event such as bereavement or relationship breakup. However some people, me included, have what is called persistent depressive disorder (formerly known as dysthymia), which is usually present all of the time (a minimum of 2 years), and not necessarily linked to one particular event or situation. It is like a constant black cloud that follows you around all the time. Without the appropriate treatment you have a general sense of low self-worth, automatic negative thoughts, poor concentration, lack of self-love and self care.

For me personally I know I'm not able to function and lead a normal life without medication and the other strategies I’ve put in place to keep me well. At its worst the depression has meant I couldn’t get motivated to get out of bed, have a wash, leave the house or even to answer the telephone. One time I didn’t shampoo my hair for so long that I got scabs and sores on my scalp. Housework piled up, and there was dust and dirty dishes everywhere. At one level I was so ashamed, but on a deeper level I just didn't care anymore.

Nowadays I’ve reached the stage where I am glad that I have been diagnosed. I am not afraid or ashamed of having depression; it's part of who am, but it doesn’t control me. I choose to take prescribed medication, which keeps me well and helps me to lead a fulfilling life. Together with positive activities like socialising with good friends, Church, theatre (and now TV! ), I manage the depression well. I still have some bad days, but then don’t we all? On the whole life is very good at the moment, but I live life one day at a time.