Its my party and I will cry if I want to

Well, my 50th birthday has come and gone. It seems the older you get the more clearly you see just how much certain people value you!

It transpires that not only did none of my work colleagues bother to arrange a collection or circulate a card for my birthday, neither did my own husband get me a birthday present. I am not a materialistic person, however I am so surprised about the apparent lack of value people I thought cared about me have placed on my milestone birthday. I never received flowers or a get well card either following my recent surgery. If the shoe was on the other foot (and often has been) I am always involved in organising a card, collection or sending flowers, and for a special someo

ne's milestone birthday planning a trip to the States!

I cannot deny that this has affected me, and made me feel temporarily sad. I have had to work hard not to let the negative thoughts run away in my mind. The obvious thoughts are that people don't like me as much as they do other people who they think more favourably about. I also start to doubt my own sense of value and self-worth. I remember back to a time, many decades ago, when I once organised a birthday party at my home and invited lots of people from my office, but nobody turned up. That was devastating at the time, I felt totally crushed.

Now I can acknowledge feeling hurt, but then I rely on my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) experience. I challenge the thoughts about feeling worthless, and think rationally about how important it really is whether EVERYONE buys me presents, comes to my party or even likes me. So long as I LIKE ME! I might be a little upset or cross for a short while, but I won't be crushed. I might shed one or two tears, but I won't sob my heart out. And unlike in the past, I know that I will get over it.

Actually, turning 50 brings mixed blessings particularly for someone who has suffered from depression for so long. Obviously getting older, greyer, droopier, less mobile, etc is a little frustrating, however it’s also a blessing. There are times in the past, during my lowest times when I didn’t want to get even one day older, and when I think back to those times I never ever imagined reaching this ripe old age! I am grateful that I have been tenacious, and clung onto life despite sometimes wanting to let go. I am proud to have reached this age, regardless of the things I have gone through in my life. I am proud that my experiences, though difficult have made me the strong, determined and some may say formidable woman that I am today. And I intend to continue to grow old gracefully (or dis-gracefully) depending on how you look at it!

Cheers!

#negativethinking #birthday #party