Weighing it all up

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I think it started out when I was given food to pacify me as a toddler, and led to me using it to comfort me when I felt sad, afraid or upset. I never got comfort from physical touch, i.e. hugs, cuddles as most touch in my childhood wasn’t really healthy. And later as a young adult the only touch that felt familiar was sexual, and although this involved physical closeness it was just an illusion of true intimacy, offering no comfort whatsoever.

I learned to stuff down negative feelings of emptiness with food. In a way I also think the layers of fat enable me to hide. And the more I eat the more I feel guilty and the worse I feel about myself, so the more I eat, and the fatter I get. And there are so many ways to describe the ‘weight’ – FAT; CURVY; CUDDLY; FLUFFY; THICK; HEAVY; OBESE – and all of these words make me feel depressed, and reach for the crisps!

Obviously I know with my head this is not healthy, nor is it the best way to deal with my emotions. However like for many people controlling what I eat and my weight is a constant struggle. Exercise doesn't happen easily or naturally for me, but I reap the benefits when I do exercise, both physically and mentally. It always surprises me how much just a little 15-20 minute walk improves my mood as well as my blood sugar levels! The problem I always have is getting motivated, but going with a friend always helps (as well as a chance to talk at the same time).

I try not to stuff down my emotions anymore, but express them instead. Just saying out loud to someone I trust ‘I feel low today‘ can prevent me from spiralling into lengthy depressive episode. Somehow by acknowledging how I feel rather than trying to resist and fight too hard against it makes is less powerful.

I know that weight will probably always be something to keep an eye on for me, and I realise I will never be a super-slim person. But what I try to remember is that I am loveable whatever size I am. The most important thing is being healthy for ME, and enjoying all life has to offer.

#food #overeating #eatingdisorder #weight