I Do...

Trigger Warning

I went to a wedding this weekend, the fourth one so far this year! I always get thoughtful at weddings, seeing the Groom usually looking nervous, the Bride looking radiant and the beautiful wedding party and guests. I’m always touched hearing the exchange of vows, the promises of love and faithfulness and a lifetime together.

Because of my history I've always had difficulty with relationships, particularly with men, and found it difficult to trust. I was sexually abused by a relative throughout early childhood, and this left me with irrational ideas a about physical intimacy, love, body image and my sense of self-worth.

Growing up I always believed there was something different about me, something ‘not quite right’, which meant men couldn't love me properly or sincerely. I also thought that the only way to relate to a man was through sex. I never thought in all my wildest imagination that I would ever get married, and indeed waited until I was 45 years old to tie the knot!

This is why weddings are still emotional for me, like I said. Thinking about all the years I believed I was not good enough for anyone to ever love me so much that they wanted to marry me; my battle through therapy and counselling to understand how the abuse had made me think that way, and to change my view about love and romance, and regain the control the abuse had taken from me. Through all of this I have finally come to know that I am ‘Fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14 (NIV), a lovable, loving and lovely woman (even on my darkest days). I am no longer a victim, I am a SURVIVOR.

#wedding #sexualabuse #survivor #relationships